"No segfault, no problem!" -- Josh Glover
"If you bring your code to me, I will ask you, 'What did you do to fix this?' If there is silence, we will say goodbye." -- Dr. William L. Bynum
"The lesson to be found there is you just can't win." -- Dr. Stephan Feyock
"Business majors tend not to write programs; they tend to tell other people to write programs." -- Dr. Stephan Feyock
"I once taught a COBOL class. It was a traumatic experience." -- Dr. Stephan Feyock
"All programming should be done in LISP; most programming is not done in LISP. Someday the world will achieve justice." -- Dr. Stephan Feyock
"C is a systems programming language. C++ is a systems programming language with a bunch of large tumours growing on its back." -- Dr. Stephan Feyock
"You would think that a program that makes it through the compiler would be a good, working program. Ha! No." -- Dr. Stephan Feyock
"I think type-checking is overrated, a sort of police state that is forced on you." -- Dr. Stephan Feyock
"I usually teach the very theoretical classes that you may or may not like... but are very good for you!" -- Dr. Gianfranco Ciardo 
"If you are willing to wait for one year, then everything is fine." -- Dr. Gianfranco Ciardo (on inefficient sorting algorithms)
"This may knock your socks off. I am not sure whether it will or not, but I hope so!" -- Dr. Gianfranco Ciardo (on the pumping lemma)
"If the system has to remap virtual memory, then your car might hit something that's not approriate." -- Dr. Phil Kearns
"Don't have error messages like: 'Dear Sir or Madam, if you are reading this, then you have most likely encountered a deficiency in my implementation. Please contact me at some_guy@foo.org.' I'll contact you at that email address! With 18 core files attached to my email!" - on overly kind error messages
"A little bit of obscurity keeps the salaries up in systems programming."
"You want the manager to think that GPP is dark and mysterious." - on obscurity in systems programming (see above)
"I just hope that when they do you, they do you gently." - On script kiddies
"My colleagues truly believe that pointers are the work of Satan."
"If the angels were to program, they would program in C."
"They think you can't be trusted with pointers. That's like saying you can't be trusted with guns. Of *course* you can! In fact, you can be trusted with guns and pointers at the same time!"
"Being a barbarian has its advantages."
"If you screw up, weird stuff happens."
"If you want a fancier file, roll your own." - on file I/O
"Being reasonable gets to be real old after a while"
"You've just got to suck it up and live with the rules." - on C's syntax
"Then cat will bark at me..." - on symbolic links
"I couldn't deal with command-line stuff, I need pictures." - on why to use DDD
"If you want to terminate yourself as the result of a failure, fine, be my guest." - on the Unix kernel
"When you fork a copy of yourself into existence, you are the parent of the process you've just created." - on forking
"I could use argv[0] for my own evil purposes."
"You hear about people HUPing daemons... That's what it means to HUP a daemon." - on signals
"I've caught the death of my child, and now I'm going to terminate myself." - on signals
"If you don't know what I'm saying, go use the source, Luke."
"The gateway then has better knowledge, it talks to other routers around the college." - Kearns, in a rare poetic moment.
"Everybody knows that little endian is God's natural byte order." - on multi-byte data types
"I don't expect you to write executable code sprung full-formed out of your forehead."
"I'm not trying to sell the course... they don't pay me by the number of students who take the course. If they did, I'd sell it."
"There are people who get bit by the =, == bug, and are so bitterly scarred that all they want to do is program in Basic for the rest of their life."
"...a system that you can run, I can run, hell, even your mom can run, and maybe she can even install. Maybe." - on Linux
"Lets assume you're not an idiot and you invoke this with the right number of arguments."
"You won't impress your geek friends by telling them you wrote a good awk script."
"It's not sanctified code upon which holy water has been sprinkled that you can't touch under penalty of death." - on code reuse
"There is a lesson here. That is to steal code as long as you're not going to go to jail for it."
"Perl is sort of like awk. It's awk on steroids. it's awk to the 27th power."
"You can write a program in C, or you could write a program in Perl, and it would look pretty much the same, modulo the offensive Perl syntax."
"Maybe I'm corrupted by normal language syntax." - on why he hates Perl
"Good Perl programmers write incredibly compact code... which I guess is a good thing unless you have been chosen to modify someone else's Perl script."
"She knew more four-letter words than I do, and used them as variable names. That was quite a semester." -- Dr. Richard H. Prosl
"We cannot have this guy contributing to the gene pool. It just wouldn't be right."
"If you don't know where to find it, look on the site 'Webpages That Suck.' It has been featured there prominently for years."
"Of the upper level students, I would say that 90% are reasonably strong independent programmers; the other 10% will never be able to program themselves out of a paper bag."
"When I look at your code, and say something like, 'Oh dear!'..."
"You will be told about these errors in terms of point deductions."
"It was a long enough program that even someone like Stockmeyer would... could have logic errors."
"I am not trying to keep you all awake; I would not even shoot for that standard. If I can keep 80% of you awake, that will be a major coup on my part."
"It offends me deeply as a mathematician, but, I'm tough!"
"So, that's how things look in the real world. Of course, WE don't live in the real world, do we?"
"Proof by induction? Maybe. However, that's not exactly 'your father's induction.'"
"But I didn't design the world... and its not my fault... so we'll just have to live with the world the way it was designed." -- Dr. Paul Stockmeyer
"And the hell with what's in the stack!" - on Pushdown Automata
"I claim the cardinality of the days of the week is equal to the cardinality of the set of deadly sins."
"90 and above would certainly be and A... 75 would be in the B level... Below that is... not a B." -- Dr. Zhaodong Zhang
"The point is... I haven't given you the point."
"It is very difficult for them to sell n-1 eggs from that box."